January 20th, 2011

One year ago today, I had received the phone call that my brother had been in an accident.  I remember driving to the hospital during rush hour, completely speechless and scared. The memories of that night have come back so vividly for me. Needless to say, it has been an emotionally draining and exhausting week.

The other night I was so upset and figured that going to the gym would be the best way to deal with my emotions.  I got on the elliptical and started my workout, but was just so overcome with emotion. I had to stop and go into the bathroom for about 10 minutes. Looking back, I think I was having a panic attack:( I got back on the elliptical and a few minutes later my trainer came over to talk to me, which kept my mind distracted. I was able to finish my workout, but just didn't feel right for the rest of the night.

I just get such a sick feeling to my stomach thinking of this time last year. At this time we were going through a number of tests to determine whether or not Brent was in fact brain dead. It wasn't until the 22nd that he was officially pronounced dead. I just remember having so much hope that he was going to make it and it makes me so incredibly sad that he isn't here today.

Everyone says that I should celebrate him this week, but it is so hard to not feel the emotions and sadness that we experienced on this week a year ago. My life was forever changed. In some ways I am a stronger person, but in other ways I feel so much weaker than I have ever been in my life. I do want to celebrate him - and I will - but I also know myself and know that these next few days are going to be hard. My little happy world was completely turned upside down a year ago and it has taken a lot of work and time to get to where I am today. I know that I have come a long way, but there is still so much sadness in my heart.

Anyways, I really appreciate all the sweet, thoughtful Facebook messages, emails, and texts - they definitely help more than you know. Hug your loved ones for me this week:) And wear orange on Saturday, if you have any!:)

I am going to leave you with the last picture that was taken of Brent. It was taken on the day of his accident - he was going to the park with his best friend Danny and his little boy Aaron.  They said that he was really happy that day, which makes my heart feel happy:)